Wednesday, September 30, 2009

What is Beauty?

What is beauty?

Is beauty in the inside?

Is beauty only on the outside or both?

I know the true answer. I know it's both. But, how do you know if you have both?

I hope that I'll understand those questions in a new, more indepth answer. This is my finally post for today!!

This Wonderful Life

I've been doing a lot of reflecting on my past, present and future.

You know how you look back, and understand life and it's hardships so much better after you've gone through them? I'm sure in that stage in my life right now. Looking back and understanding the pain and joy's that I've gone through. You wonder if any pain is wroth experiencing. You wonder if all the tears are wroth the effort to cry about. Now, today if you would ask me that question. I would say definitely! I'm not the person I am today if it weren't for pain, heart ache and being torn to pieces over and over again. Life is way to short to grieve or a long period of time. Through almost any pain, there is joy to be found. It's a choice to sit back and take life by what it comes to you. People can only hurt you has much has you let them. Events can affect you by only what you determine them to become.

If you read my previous'll see that every turn and every person has it's reason to live. I'm still discovering mine. Hence, the name of this blog!! It takes time to change. Every day we should be rediscovering who we are to others and ourselves.

Monday, September 28, 2009

New Beginnings Again!!

It's been awhile since I've last written a post. A lot has happened for me since then.

I have my very 1st boyfriend!! His name is Drew. We have been dating for a month and a half. I've fallen in love with him very quickly. I keep telling myself to slow down!! To guard my heart. But, I just seem to do that. I feel safe with him. I feel that I can relax and be myself. When I'm with him..It's like I'm by myself except that I'm with him. U see I can only be myself when I'm alone. I hope that makes sense to who ever if any one reads my blogs. I'm more myself than anyone I've ever spent time with!

I have a growing interest in some new topics. I'm re-falling in love with computers, technology, PC and video games, and the card game magic: The Gathering. I'm becoming a nerd all over again. Since talking my medication for a year now. I'm finding that I'm becoming alive again!!
My world is becoming open and filled with adventure and life!!

I'm on top of the world. I will never ever say I'm doing good. I'm going to say, I'm doing marvelous or I'm doing fantastic! I believe that asking how people are doing is a good opening sentence in communication with others. Most people don't really tell how there doing. The question is so superficial! I do it all the time! Yet, I despise it!! I truly want to know how people are doing. This life isn't a walk in a park. We all need people to care about us. Show concern about us. I also hate our english language. It is superficial communication. We talk and walk...but do we ever ever stop and take time to show true honest concern for others.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I woke up this morning and the best thing happened......

Okay, like I was saying in my last post. That I just wanted life to happen!! That I need something to open up!! Well, I was hired for the job that I applied for!!! My brother is going to pay off my credit card my parents used to pay for there bills.

I finally understanding that yesterday was yesterday and to let it GO!!! That living today and striving to be the best that you can will be enough. You see, I have two debt is going to be payed off...and I'm Alive!!!

You would have to understand my excitement and pure joy! If you understood where I've been this past year and where I am today!! It's only by God's pure Grace and Mercy that I'm able to feel alive and renewed.

Monday, July 27, 2009

World verse Self....Self verse Goals.....Goals verse Accopmlished

How can a person create a lifestyle from nothing?

I'm hoping and praying that doors will open. That I'll be able to knock them down!!! I want to move on from the past and create a new beginning! Yesterday is is a new day!

How can people move out from there parents house? How people support themselves and creating a life out of nothing? What can I do? How can I conquer being free and independent from my parents?

Monday, July 20, 2009

Looking for jobs

Today was yet another failure of looking for a job. I've been looking for a job over a year now. Our economics is still very in a bad state. How can a person with little experience run up against the people who have many years of experience? I want to take care of myself and my health. However, I can't heal my body or anything else without a job. I want to strive and make a place for myself in this life. I want to impact people around me for the better.
Looking for a job is no fun and hard work. I'm just wasting away, while time moves on because I can't find a job. I know that last statement may have sounded depression. But, I am wasting away not in the sense of nothing to do. In the sense that I've gained nearly 60 pounds in a year in a half.
My parents have run up my credit card and maxed it out. So, my credit score is way to low to accomplish anything. It will take me close to a year to even buy a car even if I had a job. My college career isn't looking the way I want it be. I want to succeed in my life. I want to accomplish my dreams and goals. I want to make up for my mistakes from my past.
I wish, that money and politics wouldn't prevent people from achieving there dreams. What, I mean about politics is the fact there is a current level of identity to who you are in this world.
So, if you are rich you can achieve more. Rather than being poor and not having the advantages of wealth to impact your education and what jobs you apply for and get. Think have two responsible, smart, young people. One person has a college level education and just graduated, and the other person has life experience. Oh, and they are applying to Walmart position. Most likely the manger will hire the college student. That's what I mean about politics. No one is simply judged my character but always judged by experience. Now, I would hire the person with the post experience. But, that doesn't give me any chance at all during this economic crash.
Wish me luck, has I adventure of f to finding a job.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Going Raw/Living Food: The Beginning of a new LIFEstyle

I've made a HUGE decision today. Today, is the start of a new chapter in my life. I'm slowly going to transition into a Raw/ Living food lifestyle. I may not go 100% raw right now, or ever, or maybe I will one day. Foods have always been a real pain. I eat them I feel sick. I mean, nothing seems help calm my stomach. I have acid reflux really bad. So, that's doesn't help anything. The only food group that wouldn't upset my stomach would be the worst thing any person could eat. It's sugar and carbohydrate's. I'm addicted to them. I really need to find away out. I believe this will help me. This is a huge step for because I haven't liked fruit or vegetables. We'll see how this journey goes.

I'm going to stay open minded and see where God takes me in this journey. I'm making this decision for many, many, many different reasons. Here they are....

1. Addicted to Sugar

2. Addicted to Carbohydrates

3. Really bad Acid Reflux

4. Always tried

5. Bad hair makeup-need healthier hair-
6. Overweight by 50 lbs. (tired exercise more than once) didn't work
7. Various health concerns example: yeast infections, headaches, stomach issues, not going to the bathroom.
8. Moody-all the time- never staying in one place in my emotions
9. Taking prescription's medication for ADD and OCD and Depression -don't like it-
10. Bad, very bad diet. I mean fried foods, pizza, bread, chips etc.
11. Digestion issues
12. Yeast problems
13. Bad nails
14. Out of shape-overweight-
15. Extremely unhappy
16. Just wanting to feel free and clean
Who I want to be....through this lifestyle change
1. Happy
2. Healthy
3. Free from bondage from my own body
4. I'm 22 in a 30 year old body
5. Balanced
6. Cured from Depression
7. 1/2 cured from OCD and ADD. Maybe cured from them over time.
8. Want to run a Marathon and going hiking again one day
9. Have fun with Life
10. Enjoy Healthy foods
11. Enjoying Life God created for me
12. Treating myself with love and respect
I'll be honest...its going to be rough. I'm going to have bad days. And, I'm going to have good days. I'm not expecting a miracle...I'm expecting some form of transformation's in eating habits, physically, spiritually. I'm ready for a HUGE transformation's. I need one and want one.
I haven't based this decision on a fling or a new idea. I've spent the last three months learning and growing my education on nutrition, food science, food politics. Educating my self about how our food is processed and grown. What goes into our food, and what is best for our body. I'm excited about this journey!!! Going RAW!! Wish me luck!!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Adventures in Thoughts

July 4, 2009
Yesterday, marks my one year of trials, hardships, and road that I thought I would never take. I gained 50 pounds in one year. I quit my job, for the sake of going to a school. The school is in Warm Springs, GA. I thought my life was going to pick up. But, a big But....I was tested for the school to see where I where I was at in my education. Turns out, I was way behind. Go figures!! So, I had to attend this school in Warm Springs. While I was waiting my life turned upside down!! My mental state went crazy!! I went crazy!! All because, I thought I was stupid and I thought I deserved the wrost in life. I thought I could never ever achieve my dreams. Then, I starting hating myself. I thought, I was mentally crazy. To the point, that I was becoming crazy. are what you think you are. I was no fun to be around. I hated life. I slept all day and night. I wouldn't eat for weeks at a time. I was in bad shape!!

I thought my life was over. I asked God to take my life every night. I would make deals and tell God to kill me and give my family the freedom of peace. I did a lot of things that year.
I'm not sure how I came out of my dark prison. I'm thankful I did. I'm thankful that God saw me through it. That He has given me mercy and grace for all the nasty and sinful thoughts, actions towards Him and myself.
As, I hear the fireworks going on outside...I think freedom has so many gifts and blessings. One of them I'm thankful for tonight is my life and everything God is teaching me. Everyone has a story, everyone has pain's and regrets. All that matters is how you climb out of the dark hole.